I’m writing on love this week. I’m speaking on behalf of the proper and improper uses of its powers and abilities to deceive. This is no bitter rant, but a cautionary tale to those even considering snuggling up next to a ‘false love’ this holiday season. Only pure, requited love can provide lasting warmth, I promise you that. Case in point: my last few days spent trying to squeeze a final drop from a long-since ripened fruit.
Grey skies plagued Cal State Long Beach last week, and with those spouts of thunder and lightening came our instinctual need to find shelter. Whether it existed in the arms of a loved one (false or otherwise), or amongst similarly unattached friends, we were all searching for emotional shelter from the elements.
The seasons have a way of telling us how to feel. Spring gives way to hope, just as summer gives excuse to kick up our feet — if only for the day. Fall wakes us up from that debilitating summer daze and when winter finally comes and urges us to reflect on months passed (and promise to behave better in January), we know exactly one year has gone by.
My boyfriend and I had been together during our last year of high school and called it off before I left for college. We had grown close to one another’s families and talked about the future like we weren’t completely bonkers for doing it. The vast amount of time spent together resulted in enough inside jokes to fill a dictionary and enough quirky moments to write an entire indie film. But by the end of our relationship, the bad inevitably began to outweigh the good. We were no longer synced, but instead awkwardly trying to return to the first few months we had spent attached at the hip.
We were supposed to be finished and I ashamedly blame the cold for my lapse in judgment last week. My boyfriend’s weekend visit was forced and the love was no longer true, which is something that left a bitter taste in both of our mouths.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg argues that love exists in the form of a triangle, built up of three basic components. Intimacy paired with commitment and passion stand as pillars, according to Sternberg. I count two of those qualities in regards to my boyfriend. However, this theory requires all three components as a sure-fire sign it’s meant to be.
Similarly, Zick Rubin divides love into categories of psychometrics: attachment, caring and intimacy. I arguably hold all three for my past love, but after further examination, Rubin’s definition of ‘attachment’ does not mirror my own.
The sad part is, we really aren’t that critical when the weather changes and a sweater just won’t keep you that right kind of warm. A sense of humor is meaningless when all you’re looking for is something physical. In the loneliest instances, it seems that anyone with a pulse will do. Past flings seem to ignite the most powerful false flames, however. And it’s no easy feat to put the fire out when you have two hearts working in its favor instead of just one. I know I wasn’t wise or strong these past days — and I’m colder for it now — but the reason I’m writing this is to explain a lesson learned, a lesson that will probably have to be relearned many times before I get it right.
It would seem to me, the longer you hold out for the magic three (which vary depending on schools of thought) the shorter you’ll have to wait for it. After all, how many opportunities are passing you by when you are blinded by a fully enveloping yet incredibly false love?
The love surviving inside of you alone is always true, and until at least February 14, I urge you leave a good thing alone.
Haley Pearson is a freshmen industrial designer major and a columnist for the Daily 49er.
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