By Disclaimer: The article below is a work of satire and does not reflect the view-points of the Daily Forty-Niner.
There is a blight upon Long Beach State. It scurries on four legs, is mangy and flea-ridden. Diminutive in stature, it brazenly steals from students every day, undaunted, despite its fragility.
This blight has a name, and it is Squirrel.
Something must be done, they have had it too good for too long. The natural order has been upset, and squirrels now stand above men.
Students are accosted by the animals. Forced to submissively skirt around the furry despots.
One student, who wishes to remain anonymous out of fear of a response from the squirrels, witnessed one foul beast defecate into a sugar shaker at the Wall Streat Cafe at the entrance to campus, a notorious spot for squirrel related crime.
These creatures carry a litany of diseases including Lyme disease and rabies. Can we afford to be caught unprepared?
No. We must solve this in the only language they understand, violence.
There is a precedent for this conflict in 1918 California mobilized its might against this menace. We knew then that they needed to die, it’s time that we remembered.
Every incoming student will, at SOAR, receive a short, barbed spear, designed to rout our enemy.
They will learn the basic skills required to hunt vermin.
Not only will we be free of the smarmy cretins, but their corpses provide valuable resources.
First and foremost it will inspire a sense of camaraderie, barriers that once separated us will crumble before the unity inspired by our shared crusade.
It will become a proud tradition, a resonant, unifying voice on a campus that has long suffered from indecision and disunity.
Are we CSCLB? LBSU? CSULB?
Are we the 49ers? The Beach? The Sharks?
No. We are the squirrel killers.
Not only will we bond over our shared hatred of these creatures, we will reap the rewards of the bountiful resources their supple bodies provide.
Squirrel meat is a high protein, low fat, economical meat that could stock the leaders of the campus.
I will not rest until the Nugget Grill & Pub serves locally sourced, student hunted, squirrel steak.
The exercise of the hunt and the lean protein provided by the meat will improve the health of the students.
Also, the free meat will result in nearly free meals, providing an economical food option.
Their pelts can be cured and sewn into festive hats, gloves, and any number of other stylish clothing.
Won’t our ski and snowboard club look festive adorned in the furs they have hunted?
Not only will they be aesthetically pleasing, but the furs will serve as a warning at sporting events. Sure, the opposing mascot might be some fearsome drawing, a titan or a bear, but watch them wither before a stadium full of people wearing proof that they have a killer instinct.
