Ah, the Christmas season is upon us. That magical time of the year where Santa and Jesus team up and let everyone know its okay to run up massive debt in order to assign emotional connection a monetary value.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to launch into a Charlie Brown commercialism rant. Instead I’m going to launch into my own rant and hopefully help you survive another rotation of the buying season. So buckle up, find some clothes that can stand a little roughing up and let’s shop.
Strategic strategy
Someone once said that Hell is the opposite of reason. Malls are Hell, but before you abandon hope, remember that you are entering these dominions of purchasing for others, not for yourself.
While ideally your gift gathering adventures will take place from the relative comfort and safety of your home computer, there may be times when the dreaded in-store only sign rears its ugly head. Be not afraid, I will help you survive.
In a perfect world you will get your list — by the gods that be you better have a list — and figure out exactly where you are going and how much time you’re going to need to get there. Weekdays around lunchtime are your best bet to have minimal contact with the other scum seeking to get your prize.
Don’t be afraid to get tough when going after that perfect gift the sweet old lady over by the electronics desk is more than ready to field dress you like a dead boar the second you take your eyes off her. Trust no one.
This is the test we were talking about
Remember all the times you should have spent listening to your significant other but instead were waiting patiently until they took off their pants? Well this is the time you should have tuned in a little more. The odds are that unless you’re dating someone who is not interested in material possessions, and you never are, your special someone has been has been dropping hints like atom bombs so that even your dumbass can figure it out.
“It’s the thought that counts” is the lie we tell ourselves when we get a crap gift. You know it, I know it and most importantly, they know it. People, this is the one time of the year when you don’t have to make up some emotional yap to get in good graces with those around you. It’s like a free pass to connect to another person in the shallowest way possible. I don’t mean to disparage the season of togetherness, but it has been a longtime since emotional attachment was an aspect of the holidays.
Getting back to business: take hypnosis, steal secret diaries, hire a private detective if you have to but do not screw up the holiday gift or else the consequences will be dire. You know what I’m talking about the two of you are there, wherever the hell that is, they hand you the gift, you open it and it’s that extremely limited edition signed copy of whatever you’ve been scouring the internet for day and night. And then you think about your gift to them, and then you crap yourself. This is what we’re trying to avoid.
How not to screw up gift giving
For those desperate few who jumped straight to this subhead, shame on you, go back to the top and read the whole damn thing. For the rest of you, here’s how to keep from getting your ass kicked this holiday season.
Because the odds are slim that you are going to zero in on the perfect present, I recommend the carpet-bombing approach. Instead of one large gift, split the holiday bliss into several smaller gifts, three to four max, don’t overdo it now. The idea behind this is all in percentages you will have a happy holiday if they like 80 percent or more of their gifts, 60 percent is a good place to be in, 40 percent at least gives them something and 25 percent or more, well, now they have crap they can re-gift. Isn’t that the greatest gift of all?
David Cowan is a senior journalism major and the features editor for the Daily 49er.
Disclaimer: The Daily 49er is not responsible for Postings made on www.daily49er.wpengine.com. Persons commenting are solely responsible for Postings made on this website. Persons commenting agree to the Terms of Use of the website. If Postings do not abide by the Rules of Conduct or Posting Regulations as listed in the Postings Policy, the Daily 49er has all rights to delete Postings as it deems necessary. The Daily 49er strongly advises individuals to not abuse their First Amendment rights, and to avoid language suggestive of hate speech. This site also encourages users to make Postings relevant to the article or other Postings.
