The Dirge: Welcome to your college romance, it’s not so bad

By now most of you have taken a notice in your surrounding classmates, separating out from the herd someone who interests you. So, before the tans fade and the last warm rays of summer’s romance leave your body, let’s see if we can’t find someone to hook up with. 

As old as books and rulers, the love and lust between people sharing tight quarters in miserable surroundings, namely class, has brought us together. But for some this will be their first foray into a wild unknown. Fear not, for I am here to help you make this transition into sweet bliss without the use of drugs, torture or hypnotism. Class is in session. Let’s begin.

Stalk your prey

Not literary since that makes you seem needy. And it’s illegal. After finding someone that interests you, find information about them. Think of it like screening for a job. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Where do you see yourself in five years? What position do you prefer — in this company? And most importantly, are you already in a relationship? Good in a job interview, good in a relationship.

Be subtle, especially when trying to figure out the status of your object of affection. A simple question like, “What’d you do this weekend?” is an innocuous probe and gets immediate results.

“Oh I was out with my boyfriend/girlfriend/other who looks like a bodybuilder/supermodel/you, if you wore your hair differently, who works as a sensitive poet/erotic accessory retailer/dolphin trainer.” Barring any of that, move on and set a trap.

Separate them from the herd

Finding romance in class is probable; continuing romance in class is impossible — unless you’re in a porno. So get them the hell outside and see if your love is as pure in the harsh light of day.

An easy way to do this is to try a subtle test date. It’s an opportunity to talk to the person outside of the class without any looming awkwardness. By the way, the test date is almost always the same in every culture, coffee. 

“Hey, I was going to grab a coffee after class. Would you like to join?” 

For either sex, this is biological need and not a stepping stone to something more. It also has good plausible deniability in the event of rejection. They says no to coffee, “That’s cool, see you later” is your response and you’re off the hook from embarrassment and free to try again and ask them out later. If she/he is onboard and the test date goes well, say a prayer to the secret gods of the universe and ask them if she/he is busy Saturday. 

Man up girls! and other advice

It is the firm belief of this column that the door of equality swings both ways. So, girls, do not be afraid to ask out the guy. It relieves pressure and makes us feel wanted. In short, boldness is hot. What? You thought women where the only ones to find confidence sexy? 

This bit of information was communicated to me by the secret gods of the universe. If someone you have an interest in asks you what kind of music you like, ask them out. Just do it. The music question is completely irrelevant because what they really want to know is, “Will I be reminded of my ex/annoyed by the music they like?” That is, for many people, the last question people need answered before they make their final judgment. 

There’s one other thing this column believes in above all else: Do not date within your major! I know the temptation is great because, they have similar interests as you and your schedules probably sync up. But, avoid that relationship like the plague.

I know what you’re thinking, “Oh wise and powerful columnist, why should I act like someone in my major would drag me over broken glass and leave me salted in a shallow pool of nails and rusted fishhooks?” 

Because that’s what it will feel like if you two break up and have to see each other in four more years of college.

David Cowan is a senior journalism major and a columnist for the Daily 49er.   


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