As I have mentioned in the past, Bill Maher has always been a source of inspiration for me. The comic and political commentator speaks the truth and has done so for years. He puts pundits like Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh to shame.
While I disagree with him on occasion, he always exudes a hilarious disposition on the current state of politics and pop-culture, and his show “Real Time” on HBO is well into its eighth season. I especially love his segment “New Rules.”
As I mentioned the first time I did this homage to Bill Maher, the following is meant to be a tribute. My “New Rules” could never be as good or funny as Maher’s. That being said, join me for another round!
New rule: The Pope is hereby prohibited from issuing any more apologies to abused altar boys.
According to The Associated Press, last weekend Pope Benedict XVI “promised [a group of clerical abuse victims] the Catholic Church would implement ‘effective measures’ to protect young people in the future.” Why apologize when everyone knows it’s just going to happen again?
Like a moth to a flame, there’s just something about young boys and certain priests. Perhaps it’s the church’s rules against sex that prompts offenders to rebel against the institution, or maybe it’s just the sweet pre-pubescent scent of little Jimmy in his vestments. One thing is for sure, sex scandals and the Catholic Church seem to go hand in hand.
So good old Benny, with tears in his eyes and a twinkle in his crown, believed it was time to finally renounce a series of molestations that had taken place in Santa Venera, Malta, during the 1980s and 1990s after numerous cover-ups.
According to the Pope, if the boat’s rocking, you may or may not get a defrocking. I’ll believe it when I see it.
New rule: If you pose for a photo shoot dressed as a Nazi, you lose all credibility.
Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, Jesse James’ tattoo-clad mistress, claims that the allegations of her being sympathetic towards Nazism are lies. This in spite of the now famous photo-shoot showing McGee dressed in full Nazi regalia, swastikas and all, brandishing an authentic Nazi knife.
McGee has further claimed that the “WP” tattoos adorning her legs, which commonly stand for “White Power” in neo-Nazi circles, actually stands for “Wet P—y.”
Dyanne Thorne, who played “Ilsa” in 1970s Nazi exploitation films, proved that dressing up as a cruel prison-camp warden and having lesbian sex with the other guards could be hot. McGee, however, proves that no matter how she dresses up, she’s still white trash.
New rule: The Muslim Student Association should be renamed the “Muslim Student Terrorist Sympathizer Association.”
That’s right, folks, it’s time once again for a good ol’ Israeli whipping by the MSA in the form of another “wall” across from the bookstore decrying all of the atrocities committed by the Zionist Occupation Government machine!
MSA cannot continue to spew forth blatant lies, half-truths and propaganda, and still expect people to believe that they don’t just plain hate Jews and are doing it all for some form of political dissent. Can the MSA finally just start an affiliation with Al Qaeda and Hamas and begin a Long Beach division?
If you’re going to sympathize with terrorists, at least proudly admit it.
Gerry Wachovsky is a graduate student and columnist for the Daily 49er.
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