Hello incoming freshmen and welcome to Cal State Long Beach, I know you’re worried and excited, so take a deep breath and let’s begin. Congratulations are in order. You’ve officially made it to college, or — as you will soon learn to call it — “high school part two.” I’m sorry to disappoint, but that’s all this really is, a continuation of what you’ve been doing the last 18 years of your life. It’s not all bad news, on the plus side, now you can smoke on campus.
Shock and Awe
Now it’s understandable that you’re thinking something to the tune of, “Wait a minute, I survived four years of BS at my HS and applied against thousands of others and paid a ridiculous amount, or my parents did, to be told that this is pointless?” Yes.
Unfortunately the more things change the more they stay the same. All those points you just brought up are valid and I know that might kill some of the thrill of being at a new school, but, hey, you did make it here and that’s no small thing. Relax a little; you’re doing well.
Besides, now you can make your own schedule and CSULB has a bowling alley.
Ultimately your time here will be a good experience. You’ll learn many things, meet new people and realize that every teacher you ever had was once at a college like you are and doing the exact same things you’re doing now. This means that they were smoking, drinking and trying to get into the pants of the person next to them, the same as you are now. Even your first-gradeteacher did this. Well, especially your first-grade teacher.
Get some perspective and sack up
For this semester 71,000 people applied to be at CSULB. In fact, are the most sought after school in the Cal State University system. Seriously. And 48,000 of those applicants were freshmen just like you and the school at maximum only had room for 10 percent of them. So understand that your whining generation is the cream of the crop.
On top of that, one in five people age 18-24 years old are unemployed right now. These people out there have no job and no school to go to; they are effectively doing nothing and are without purpose except to find something to do until they go to sleep at night.
I’m not trying to make you feel bad; in fact I’m here to help. This is going to be a better year than last. Just before you young folk got here, we had these things called furloughs. A furlough meant that you didn’t have to go to class, which sounds like a good thing until you realize how much you’re paying versus how much you’re getting back. Paying more to get less, outside of a liposuction office, is the worst deal in the world. But we’re told that’s over now. Be thankful.
A formal introduction
Where are my manners. My name is David and this piece of perspective is my column, The Dirge. Every Monday, expect to find some nugget of history, interest or even wisdom in these words.
Why The Dirge? A dirge is a funeral song but sounds like a rough kind of march, which is how I see the world we live in. Sad and rough. Thankfully you now have me to soften the blow by answering the burning questions you have raging in your heart, soul or loins. Nothing will be too taboo or sacred for me to discuss, rip apart and, when needed, stomp on. And this includes me. I’m here to help make this semester tolerable.
So relax. I’m here. Because I care, and I have nothing better to do.
David Cowan is a senior journalism major and a Monday columnist for the Daily 49er.
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