CNN recently covered an interesting relationship topic that I couldn’t let slip under the radar. “How close is too close to an ex?”
As Liane Yvkoff, the article’s author, articulated it, “Exes are a fact of life for many couples,” whether it’s because of school, work, children or just difficulty letting go.
This issue may hit too close to home for some, but it’s a legit question to ask. But isn’t the answer obvious? Well, maybe for women it is, but men can’t seem to get a clue.
“You can be too close if it’s creating problems in your relationships or if it’s preventing you from moving on with your life and your work,” says relationship expert Gloria Fraser.
Generally speaking, exes are exes for a reason, although there is nothing wrong with wanting to remain on good terms. An ex is still a part of a network of people that may be useful further down the road.
Unless there are children involved, I see no reason why exes need to remain “close.” The only reason exes remain friends at all is to improve their chances of rekindling that spark, and you can’t exactly do that if you’re not even friends.
There is a danger to this rationale, however. “When you have an intense relationship, there is a danger that you won’t move on or let go,” warns Fraser.
Remaining friends with an ex, particularly if you’re the dumper, sends mixed messages to the dumpee.
For starters, there will always be one person in the relationship harboring resentment toward the other, and where there is bitterness, jealousy is sure to follow.
Secondly, you can’t completely confide in your ex. You may be friends on the surface, but underneath, you’re always on your tip-toes about what you say, making dating, sex and relationships necessaru topics to avoid.
“Remaining friends seems to provide us with the security blanket that the person who has been in our life will still be there, and we can call on them every once in a while to find out how they are – but we’ll never actually know how they really are,” says Heidi Muller, a relationship correspondent for AskMen.com.
Lastly, it’s just hard to move on with an ex still in the picture. I certainly don’t want to date anyone whose ex is still in the picture. Chances are that the passion and chemistry shared between the two is still lingering, making the friendship premise a recipe for disaster.
Niki Payne is a senior journalism major and columnist for the Daily Forty-Niner.
