I was struck with honest surprise when I stumbled upon the publication of the Daily Forty-Niner dated Nov. 13. I say, “stumbled upon” because I have been in a consistent state of inebriation ever since the evening of Nov. 4. I had it in for Clinton during the Democratic primaries, and after suffering a defeat by Obama earlier in the year, this second round of humiliation left me unusually drained.
I had thought American liberty was dead, what with the election of an out-and-out Marxist, Muslim, black Christian theologian, anti-Christ, anti-white dictator to the nation’s highest office. Thankfully, a short penning by the notable professor of linguistics and English, Robert Hertz, roused me from my drunken stupor.
He has given me the courage to remove the cotton from the ears of the left, that they may soak in the sumptuous siren’s song that is modern American conservatism.
Sadly, however, I feel that Hertz has hedged his bet. Certainly, the truth of his claim that “poverty is a problem and wealth is not” is valid. But his solution, I’m afraid, is too much of a compromise.
Ever since 1984, Republicans have had the mandate of the people to substantially slash the financial obligations of the wealthy in the hopes that they see fit to help their humble workers to a generous helping of $5 an hour — with no benefits. Americans want change, Mr. Hertz, not moving back to more of the same old tax solutions.
That is why I propose a bold new tax platform that alleviates some of the more unsatisfying elements of the good professor’s proposal.
First, we need to truly begin to wage the war on poverty by declaring anyone who lives under the current poverty line an enemy of the state and having them immediately arrested. At this point, it’s obvious that they are one of those nefarious welfare cheats Reagan warned us about, and are only interested in leeching funds from hard-working American families to continue in their degenerate lifestyle.
This will give an immediate boost to our prison industrial complex and create numerous jobs in construction and security sectors; jobs that will help honest “Joe the Plumber” Americans earn a decent living.
Second, we must fully realize the benefits of trickle-down economics by slashing the corporate tax rate to at or below zero. The left becomes frenzied as American corporations ship jobs overseas, but how do you expect to encourage such growth with rates as high as they are?
We should be paying major corporations to do business here, not punishing them with harsh taxes and regulations. By eliminating corporate taxes and curtailing regulation we will see a huge influx of industry and manufacturing, and finally be able to compete on the world market with the likes of China and India.
Finally, we must end the corruption in Washington. I propose replacing the legislative branch with a committee comprised entirely of business interests. Many current senators, such as Jim DeMint of South Carolina and Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, are already considered to be representatives of auto manufacturers BMW and Toyota. By allowing BMW and Toyota to represent their interests directly we would effectively eliminate the millions spent lobbying career politicians.
These proposals will ensure the future prosperity of the American economy and, by proxy, democracy. While professor Hertz certainly is pointed in the right direction, he has regrettably resisted taking that next, big, stiff-legged strut toward prosperity that this country so desperately needs. Hopefully, I have convinced him that it is a step worth taking.
Matthew Kirchner is a senior English major and a columnist for the Daily Forty-Niner.
10/10. I would welcome being trolled by this article again.