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Secrets of mysterious silicon finally revealed

At this stage in history,millions of computers inhabit the Earth. The possibilities for what they can do are endless. From writing essays to calculating scientific research, personal computers have become an integral aspect of modern civilization. They cast upon society a veil of secrecy for their true intent.

Computers might seem innocent out of the box, but once hooked up to an electrical source, a self-programmed autopilot kicks in. As electrons flow freely through the silicon circuit boards doing, theoretically, only what the operator tells them to, the computer has its own idea in mind. Its definitive goal and its universal purpose are to frustrate, anger and eventually control its user.

Each computer receives this task through three methods.

One computer will annoy the user by never working at all. Another works except the crucial times when you need it most. Lastly, and perhaps the most evil of them all, the final type of computer will never have problems until one day it decides to completely devastate the user by initiating a self-destruction path known as the computer crash.

The first type of computer provides complete and utter annoyance. It never- I stress this greatly-works, therefore depriving the user of any happiness of the computer’s uses. Upon the first boot up, whatever excitement initially caused by the flashy colors of “Microsoft Windows” ceases when the operator discovers the first stages of a computer’s plot to frustrate.

It generally starts with not all the devices installing correctly, therefore causing such essential things like the printer or scanner not to function. Second comes the inability to connect to the Internet; however, this is only most common with bad service providers.

By this time, the user is so frustrated that he or she gives up the ordeal and calls a number for service, or in a fit of fury and anguish kicks the computer, therefore voiding the warranty and future hope of returning it.

Unfortunately, computers are not like the old family car that merely needed a good kick to get started again. Aiming to conquer humanity, technology learned from its descendents that the kicking method worked and prevented it from working again.

The second type of computer works fine on the first run and most times after that. Nevertheless, it accomplishes the goal of aggravating humanity by not working when needed most.

They may do this during a 1 a.m. school project in its final stage of completion when requested by the user to print. Even the modem and computer could cut an Internet chat conversation short when unanimously deciding the user has had enough. Malicious in objective and thoughtless in action, this type of computer ruins the once-good day of any feeble user.

The third, and most malevolent, sort of computer works fine until one day it decides to take a leap of faith for its cause by crashing itself into silicon oblivion. These PCs are the most dedicated ones to the cause of infuriating humanity.

With the secrets of silicon finally revealed, it seems ironic that we cannot really do anything about it. If a society that relies so much on computers chooses inferiority to the wrath of machines, it can never overcome them. All computers know this fact, and have only one objective-bringing complete disturbance and chaos to mankind.

Bradley Zint is a senior journalism and political science major and the managing editor for the Daily Forty-Niner. He also is a third-year veteran computer technician for CSULB Housing.

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