By Look out across the land; see the post-apocalyptic ruins of our once great nation, now in shambles.
America, she lies in waste, citizens.
We are weak. We are soft. We are on our knees. Threats smolder on every border. China. Terrorists. Immigrants.
Enter The Donald, multi-billionaire, television hotshot, carrot-overeater and overall excellent person. Clearly this orange super hero has stood apart from the establishment, a real salt-of-the-earth type, ready to look out for you, the commoner; the insignificant, the fearful, the pleb, the mere economic unit plugging away from seven to 11.
You don’t have the time or intelligence to deal with the always-present Muslim danger, the roving gangs of Mexican rapists and even the boogiemen under your bed, all ready to snatch up your freedom as soon as your guard’s down.
Why not let Daddy Trump make it all go away so you can sleep peacefully in his shadow?
He will make America white… err, great, again. America has an Oedipus complex and Trump is the man to give America the whooping it needs to be great again.
And he’s really, really smart. He said so himself.
He’s got the cajones to call out the “pussification” of the NFL. Since when was America scared of a little brain damage?
A real rags to riches story, Trump’s humble beginnings include a wee one million dollar loan from his father. And you, you can’t even pull your bootstraps up. You’re not rich because you weren’t smart enough, like Donald Trump, to exploit tax loopholes and bend bankruptcy law.
But it’s okay, once in the Oval Office, he’ll make sure everyone plays fair.
President Obama is a weakling. He can’t be trusted to go nuclear, can’t be trusted to bomb the ever loving sh*t out of the Middle East.
Russia’s got a leader who rides a horse shirtless through Siberia. Admit it: we, too, need a swaggering, chest-thumping leader in order to recapture our former dominance. We need a leader who is not afraid to dismantle the Statue of Liberty and build a wall with it.
Such a badass is he that according to him he hasn’t ever even “asked God for forgiveness.” So unapologetic is the man, not even facts can faze him.
The editorial staff of the Daily 49er is proud to endorse Donald Trump for president of the United States.
All aboard the Trump train!
It will be a cold day in hell before Kevin would ever be critical of Hillary Clinton, Democrats or Bernie Sanders socialist agenda and the economic consequences of such a thing. I have yet to read a single article on the constant lies and corruption from Hillary yet you have been focused on Trump constantly.
You have yet to talk about the Clinton Foundation and its corruption and who are among the donors. That’s convenient. It’s also funny when you see who is behind some of those donations when you see how they’re from some of the worst human rights violators in the world yet Hillary acts as if she cares about women. That’s a laugh.
You say Trump leads with fear? That’s all Democrats do. They spin a narrative that everyone is a “victim” and being “oppressed.” It’s constant division and outrage from the group who claims to be “so tolerant and open minded” as long as you agree with them and if you don’t, prepare to receive the most vile hostility slung your way.
You’ll bash someone for caring about protecting their borders (as if no country should do this. Hello JAPAN). You mocked the idea that terrorist would abuse the European migration crisis and you were wrong as expected. You have looked like a total fool when it comes to this.
Your hypocrisy is constant. I would love to see these pieces where you have held Obama to this standard. You know with his constant narcissism, racial division, total hypocrisy, his numerous scandals that didn’t get a word from any of you but hey, let’s freak out on Trump when you have been silent on every scandal Democrats say or do.
This newspaper would fit right in with The Pravda and other media that disregarded actual truth and fair reporting simply to push one political ideology.
This country is at a point where hard decisions need to be made. I would rather have a non-politician beholding to only the people, making those decisions. He may not be what you want but he maybe what we need. The more I listen to the public debate i hear ” We don’t trust her – We do not want a socialist in the White house – We are not sure if he can actually be president – We don’t like him because he is a blowhard and not PC.” It kind of pushes you in only one direction.
Tongue in cheek or not – thank you for supporting America outside of the higher education norm.
This story was a work of satire. As a news publication, we do not, in reality, endorse Donald Trump.