This will probably sound stupid and/or funny, but I just don’t like silverware. Silverware sucks. Here’s why.
In this modern day and age, I don’t see much of a need for silverware anymore. I suppose if I had my own society where I controlled everything, I would change the rules of table manners and banish the mandatory use of spoons, forks and knives. Instead, my civilization’s minions would become accustomed to using their hands for eating food.
Until that day comes, I’m forced to abide by our society’s standards of politeness, reluctantly. But before I explain why we should use our hands for eating, I’ll bash silverware and present to you its shortcomings.
Silverware is a not-so-precocious invention. I’ll start first with the spoon. We created a spoon to slowly scoop and consume a few ounces of liquid. I say ditch that spoon right now.
A better and more effective method would be using what God already gave us: a mouth. We in the West should chuck the spoon and do what those in Japan and Hong Kong do: slurp. Slurping is quicker and in those countries it’s considered polite, not “barbaric” like in Western society.
The fork is also quite useless in my estimation. Forks are used for cutting and picking, and last time I checked, most normal human beings have eight fingers and two thumbs, all of which should be in working condition. So here’s the news: You can just as easily pick that pickled pepper with your hands to eat it.
On to item No. 3: the knife. Knives are actually useful. They make my meat into smaller pieces. They are the tools of Norman Bates. But sometimes knives make me go psycho.
But when my impatience gets the worst of me, I just want to use my teeth. Animal instincts, cave man instincts even, kick in. But I shouldn’t digress from my original point. Knives are nevertheless a member of the silverware team, and as such, I denounce them too.
OK, now that I’ve given a brief description of why all three of the team silverware members are useless, I will present a plausible solution. Use your hands.
Outrageous? Barbaric? I thought so, too, until I discovered while eating alone with no one to criticize my hand-using ways that picking at food is just easier. And because I had things to do, people to see and stupid ideas to come up with, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We must drive out of business the industry that so conveniently tries to sell us cheap spoons, forks and knives in taped bundles of three for a nice price.
We must change this over-polite aspect of Western society, one useless dinner tool at a time. After all, eating is for eating, not being polite. We can be polite elsewhere.
Of course, before using your hands we all must wash them, and wash them thoroughly enough to make sure they are truly the kings and queens of clean. I recommend Softsoap, which is available at a Wal-Mart near you.
Bradley Zint is a senior journalism and political science major and the managing editor for the Daily Forty-Niner.
