Dated drug references and sloppy fart jokes make up a good chunk of what is supposed to pass as comedy in “College,” a 90-minute argument for what constitutes a waste of celluloid.
Drake Bell, famed of Nickelodeon’s squeaky-clean “Drake & Josh,” stars as Kevin Brewer, a college-bound high school senior just dumped by his girlfriend for being too much of a prude. In an effort to show how much of a “party animal” he is, Kevin makes use of an orientation weekend at a university to paint the college town red with his two buddies (the intolerable Andrew Caldwell and the film’s saving grace Kevin Covais), and video message the antics to his now ex-girlfriend in hopes of winning her back.
“College” tries far too hard to become part of the few legendary frat films. Just like its lead characters, the writing falls and trips on its doltish self, crediting a sizeable load of scenes focused on body shots, crowd diving, homoerotic hazing, and the mandatory boob shot/girl-on-girl fantasy. This stupidity is uber potent, brah.
Belushi and Co. are “Schindler’s List” by comparison. It isn’t enough just to add elements of Greekdom to call it a true college comedy. Adding a rivalry (a la “Revenge of the Nerds”), a weaksauce love story (a foggy homage to “American Pie”), and far too many forced F-bombs just makes “College” look like that kid who brings a sixer of O’Doul’s to the tailgate. It’s a miracle the word “toga” wasn’t uttered.
Thankfully (and surprisingly), Idol-turned-actor Kevin Covais (known as “Chicken Little” during an “American Idol” stint) proves that even a bottom-of-the-barrel film has a silver lining: Covais holds much promise as the poor man’s McLovin in a classic scene where he’s introduced to wonders of drunken fellatio. How the working actors perform substantially lower next to the karaoke kid could only be called a mystery.
Laughably, the film actually tries to justify itself by putting a period mark on college binge culture with faint coming-of-age morality. Not once were the consequences of inhaling Nos balloons (soooooo 1997!) mentioned ─ if anything, the film encouraged it, and then gave it a D.A.R.E.-sanctioned cold shoulder for the sake of adding fat to an anorexic script.
Though more believable than “Saved by the Bell: The College Years,” “College” still hyperfantasizes nights that make weekends at UCSB look like a study session. Weak jokes and a plot that sneaks in and out just end up spoiling the fun and devolving the entire experience into the annoying. Sleep in on this one and drop it all together ─ if you stay enrolled in “College” you will an F.
(Rated R)
Summary: Three high school seniors have a hedonistic weekend at a university in a college film for the millennials.
Our Take: There are other ways to diminish your cash, time and more importantly, your IQ.
