For those looking to fail your exams in a generic, no-brain approach, there is no reason to read this. We all know how to fail our exams. It’s not that difficult. But for those who are looking to fail your exams in style, in the ultimate way you possibly can, read on.
First off, you are going to need money – lots of it. With that money, you’re going to want to rent a limo. Make sure that you get along with the chauffeur because he or she is an important part of the operation. (Personally, I would pay whatever it takes to have the chauffeur on “Crocodile Dundee,” you know, Reginald VelJohnson; he is really cool, plus he saved Dundee and could very well save you, too.)
Next, plan the operation well. If you are under 21, make yourself 21.
With that settled, you are going to want to leave one day before exams. Bring your friends, of course, because they’ll want to fail, too. Once everyone’s settled, tell VelJohnson to take you all to Las Vegas. It is about a five-hour drive to Vegas so a bar inside the limo is a must; it helps kill time.
Hopefully, the bar inside the limo helped, and you should be feeling pretty good, in a perfect mood for Vegas. Have VelJohnson drop you off at the Mirage Hotel and Casino, just in time to see Cirque du Soleil’s “The Beatles Love Show.”
With perhaps the best show in Vegas under your belt, plus a few drinks, have VelJohnson continue your journey north on The Strip until you hit “The Fremont Street Experience” in downtown Vegas. You should be pretty hammered by now, which further makes the state-of-the-art light and sound show appearing on a hundred foot ceiling extending for six blocks cooler than ever.
Now comes the really fun part. The goal is to make it to the club, The Beach Club, at The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, next to the MGM Grand, at the south end of The Strip.
Tell VelJohnson that you will meet him there, allowing you and your friends to go through each casino on your journey there. The beautiful thing about casinos is that drinks are free, if you look like you’re gambling. So walk through each casino, pick up free drinks, gamble at will, and talk to random people about random things. Play roulette, poker or whatever table comes in your way, go for it. Who knows, you might win something adding to the experience.
Hammered is an understatement describing your condition at this moment, and, amazingly, in one way or another, you have walked the entire Strip. Enjoy the rest of the night and party it up on The Beach Clubs sandy beaches, ocean-like pools and cocktail pool-side bars.
Now you could stay in Vegas and party it up some more while finals are taking place, or you could do it the ultimate way and have VelJohnson drive you and your friends back to Cal State Long Beach.
In the wee hours of the morning, you will be tempted to sleep or pass out. Don’t. Try and pull an all-nighter all the way back to school. Once you are in class and your exam is in front of you, then you may sleep. And it should be a long, deep sleep, which is perfect because you will sleep through everything, thus failing all your exams that you carefully planned on the same day.
Daniel Macri is a junior film major.
