To me, February only means one thing: awards season. It is during this month that several of the biggest awards shows are held, honoring actors, actresses, musicians and other celebrities for accomplishments made during the prior year. However, due to time constraints, not every award gets televised and often people don’t get to hear about some of the biggest honors bestowed upon news-makers.
This is where I come in. Without further ado, I proudly present to you a few of the awards that you won’t see being given out at the Oscars this year.
First up, the “Starting Shit Of The Year” award goes to the Tea Party as a collective. A bastard child of conservatism comprised of members possessing IQs rarely over 30, the Tea Party gained considerable power this year, proving that just about anyone can successfully create a political party. With White House aspirations, the Tea Party continues to gain a foothold in American politics, despite the fact that just about everybody in the country hates them.
Here’s hoping that this is the one and only award this asinine party ever receives, and that sooner rather than later it will fade back into the shadows of Middle America trailer parks from whence it came.
Next up, the coveted “Retard Of The Year Award” went to none other than little Trig Palin. Ironically named since Trig will likely never master trigonometry let alone simple addition and subtraction, Trig has the unfortunate last name of Palin also working against him in life. In an interesting twist, Trig’s mother Sarah was actually originally thought to be in the running for receiving this award but was later disqualified when it was determined that Sarah doesn’t actually suffer from any true mental retardation — she’s just that stupid.
As Robert Downey, Jr.’s character in “Tropic Thunder” said to Ben Stiller’s, “You never win an award for going ‘full retard,'” but sometimes — it turns out — crazy things do happen. Trig was on hand to accept his award, and with a twinkle in his eye, he gave a rousing and beautiful speech characterized by several unintelligible grunts before leaving a glistening puddle of drool on the podium. This one’s for you, Trig.
And yes, I do realize that I am going to hell for that.
Finally, the “Anti-Semite Lifetime Achievement Award” goes to 206-year-old windbag Helen Thomas. Beginning at the tender age of three back in 1808, Thomas was taught that the Jews are responsible for just about everything that’s wrong with the world and she’s been towing the company line ever since.
After writing her dissertation on “The Dangers Of Zionism In The Wild West,” Thomas would go on to hold several odd jobs before gaining the position of White House Bureau Chief in 1830. Beginning her tenure under Andrew Jackson and continuing through Barack Obama, Thomas enjoyed a storied career in journalism covering the White House until stepping down in 2010 after being offered a position in Iran’s government by last year’s lifetime achievement award winner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Mazel tov, Helen!
Other awards given out included the “Small Penis Of The Year Award” received by Brett Favre, the “Flash In The Pan Award” given to Justin Bieber, and the “Smartest Person Of The Year Award” given to Watson the “Jeopardy!” playing computer.
And so this year’s festivities come to a close, but don’t worry because there is a whole year for news-makers to be recognized. Congratulations to this year’s winners, and so long from the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles!
Gerry Wachovsky is a graduate student and columnist for the Daily 49er.
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