After last week’s brilliant column on getting together, I thought it was only right to give you the other half of the equation: breaking up. I have been dumped many glorious times and for a variety of fantastic reasons, but I remain undeterred. In fact, I’ve even learned some things. And, I’m willing to share.
There are no good lines to break up with. One of the universal indicators of a relationship’s end is the dreaded, “We need to talk.” This lets your significant other know that something is coming. After that, you’re on your own. It is the position of this column that it’s best to be honest but, at the same time, also sensitive. Don’t be a dick.
Unless you found out that they’ve cheated on you. In that case, it’s this column’s position that all cheaters should be set upon by PCP-drugged, syphilis-crazed gorillas. You know who you are.
The showdown: Breaking up face-to-face
This is arguably the most difficult way to end a relationship. Being this close can involve variables that you can’t control. This makes it kind of dangerous. There are, however, some basic things you can do to ensure a smoother ending.
Be in public. Well-lit areas are a must. Some argue that breaking up in public places forces people to bottle up their emotions or run the risk of them bursting into tears. But if you’re worried about them doing something violent, it’s good to have eyewitnesses. If this isn’t a concern, then feel free to end the relationship at their place. Why their place? You’re already breaking their heart. Don’t make them drive home.
Be clear. Let them know that this isn’t a fight. It isn’t a separation. It’s the end.
Be prepared: For their questions, arguing, crying, bargaining and all the other stages of grief. They have the right to express themselves and you have to listen — for, at maximum, an hour. After that you can calmly explain that you have nothing more to say and you are firm in your decision. You then leave.
The boon of technology aka the call of doom aka I await your angry letters
Before you get the torches and pitchforks, let me say that breaking up on the phone is considered the coward’s way out. I don’t deny that this way has some serious drawbacks and may seem terribly cold and impersonal. However, if you have a genuine concern that the person might do you harm, this is a way to protect yourself.
Follow the same basic rules, be clear and prepared. Because you’re using the phone you may want to have a small list of points to refer to. After all, you have to stay on topic.
Be extra respectful and listen to their responses, but be firm.
Don’t go to them and don’t let them come to you. If you feel the need to comfort them, do it as a friend. Just don’t mention that you still want to be friends. That’s being a dick.
In the mean time, for those being dumped by phone, try to look at it this way. You don’t have to put on pants and go out somewhere just to be dumped. In fact, when they call, you don’t even have to turn off the TV. Just hit mute.
How to deal
What? You thought I’d leave you poor bastards to rot in your misery. Hell no. We’re going to get through this by being tough and smart. Here’s what we’re going to do.
After they’ve said whatever they’ve had to say, “I think we need to see other people…,” “This isn’t working for me…,” “Your column sucks…,” give yourself a moment to take in this information. Then clench your ass. I know this sounds stupid, but it will get you to breathe out again. Adopt a serene manner and simply say, “Cool.” This is not what they expect and it will eventually drive them insane. Seriously.
More than likely the person attempting to break your heart has planned out many horrific scenarios where you unleash the wrath of the gods on them. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Stay calm.
After your Buddhist-like response, the other party will probably respond with some kind of question, demanding that you explain why you’re “cool” with them breaking up with you.
Respond with “It’s been nice getting to know you the last few (insert time period). We had some good times. Ummmmm, try to take it easy. See you around.” Get up and walk away, or just hang up.
Sounds simple, right? They’ll be relieved, thinking that you took the news well. Maybe a little too well. Five to 12 days later be ready for a call, an apology and an offer of freaky lovin’. You decide what happens next.
Breakups happen to the best of us. They’re a part of life and you will survive them, guaranteed. So remember, when life gives you lemons, call me. I have tequila and salt.
David Cowan is a senior journalism major and a columnist for the Daily 49er.
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